Where to begin? I could start where I lay, curled up on the kitchen floor that night, a knife in my gut, my world blown apart.
Or I could start here, from a place of having proposed marriage to the father of my daughters? Two bookends to a story you know the beginning of, but not the sequel. If you are out there somewhere, reading this, you are without doubt curious about what came next – perhaps also nervous about what you may read. And rightly so, in some ways. You haunted me for years, and scarred me deeply, though no-one is at fault. If you play with fire you have to be prepared to get burnt. And yes, I’ve always liked an adventure. And yes, I’m now older, wiser, and proudly bearing the scars that are evidence of having jumped with both feet into the center of a beautiful, but dangerously blazing, fire.
But these letters are not only a way of saying what I would say to you if you were here, now, after all those years. They are also a way of framing what happened to me after our brief, renewed relationship. They are a way of trying to make sense of some of the extraordinary experiences for which I had no frame of reference at the time. Perhaps most of all, they are my way of saying what needs to be said. In the absence of a personal audience the world is taking your place. Isn’t that what I really always wanted anyway – to find a way of opening myself up to the world rather than restricting my love to just a select few? My lovers have always made themselves scarce at times, unavailable to my love – as all lovers do from time to time no doubt – but you were the extreme, disappearing completely on me. And through them all, I have been gradually learning to spread my love broadly enough that it can encompass the world…
In September 2013, a new journey will unfold here weekly – a woman’s journey from heartbreak to spiritual awakening. Over the autumn and winter months, Letters to a Lost Lover will explore intimate snippets of that journey here on WordPress. The fuller version will eventually be available in print when the right publishing partner is found. If it’s a journey you would like to follow, simply choose the option to follow my blog and the next installment will follow in a few weeks.