We, ourselves, are so much stranger than fiction,
if we only take the time to discover what lies
beneath the surface…
27th March 2002
Still no word from you. But I’m not going to go back over what I’ve said already. Lets just let it all sit there for the moment. I’m sure you’ll respond when you get the time and have something to say. I’m finding it really hard not knowing what’s going on at your end, and missing you so much too, my beautiful man. What’s the point in saying all that again? Let me distract you – and myself – with more of my whacky experiences instead!
One of the things that has kept me sane through all these days of wondering what on earth is going on since we met last month has been my evenings of ‘tuning in’. I don’t know what else to call it. I guess you could call it meditation, although I’m not following any particular discipline. It just seems to be something I instinctively know how to do. I still start the same way. I sit or lie down, and quiet my mind, silently requesting that I ‘pick up’ any information that might be out there for me – remember the ‘psychic voice mail‘? It feels a bit like extending an antenna through the top of my head and turning my whole body into a receiver of some kind. I stay like that for ages – over an hour sometimes – in a deep place of receiving whatever might be there to receive.
In the same way I did when I first started doing this a few months ago, I sometimes get a strong image. I had one recently of you with another woman, which I have to say I quickly dismissed! I’m not sure how much of what I saw was true and how much of it was a creation of my own fear. I could tell you more of the details of that image but I don’t really want to torture myself with it, whether it turns out to be true or not. Let me just say you seemed to be in a place of being comforted emotionally, of being looked after rather than looking after her.
I’ve also been having some interesting images during the day, sparked by music or memories. Yesterday, I had some old folk music on and felt this deep sorrow welling up inside me. I was at home so I was able to just close my eyes and go with it, kind of like riding the wave as it grew. I was expecting it to just wash on out of me as has been happening recently when I do this, but this time instead I found myself in the middle of a scenario which was playing out in my head. It was as if I was back in Scotland a few hundred years ago, standing on the edge of the seashore as I watched you row away from me towards a boat that was going to take you away. I don’t know whether I believe in past lives or anything like that, but this was so vivid and had such strong emotion with it that I must have been tapping into something fairly real. Do you believe in reincarnation? Do you think it’s possible we’ve known each other before? I don’t know that I can believe we come back over and over again, just as different people. That seems too neat an explanation to fit comfortably with what science suggests and my own, admittedly fragile, belief that we are all part of something much larger. Still, it would explain a lot of what’s happened between us were it to be true. The emotion that was surfacing along with the images and music was so strong, that I had to hold onto the kitchen counter to stop myself collapsing on the floor – my legs had turned to jelly as if I was reliving the farewell scene all over again.
But anyway, back to my meditation! Apart from the images, what’s been happening as I lie quietly in that receptive space is that I’m becoming more aware of my body. When there aren’t any images or emotions being brought to my attention, my focus is drawn instead to areas of tension inside my body – maybe a hip that’s slightly off, or tension around the rib cage or shoulder. Not only that – and this is where it really starts to get a bit weirder – but if I can relax enough, my body starts to move spontaneously. It stretches, flexes and arches as it needs to in order to release the tension. It’s been absolutely amazing to experience and watch!
I say ‘watch’ because that’s how it feels. It feels as if the part of myself that’s normally in control has taken a back seat and some other part of me is hovering just slightly outside the body watching as I move and contort into the most unusual shapes. I guess the fact that I’m so used to yoga means that I have a certain amount of practice at flowing with what the body needs – I sometimes improvise my yoga postures to take account of a particular pocket of tension or stiffness that needs to be dealt with. This is quite incredible, though, and I’ve no context for what’s happening. At one point, almost my entire body was off the ground with only the barest of connections – until I became so aware of it that the focus was lost and my rational brain kicked in again, and then I was completely flat on the floor once more! It only works when I can manage to keep that place of watching from just outside the body with the active brain on stand-by.
The interesting thing is that there is no emotion with any of this ‘body work’. It is entirely a physical process. Maybe, in some strange way, it’s my body’s way of catching up after emotion has been released. I don’t know. All I know is that it feels sometimes like I’m a puppet being dangled on invisible threads that yank me this way and that until my alignment is better. And my alignment does improve – the unusual twists and turns have a lasting effect which seems to be balancing out some of the very old patterns my body has been holding.
Some of the movements are particularly strange. While I’ve no difficulty with the ones that involve the hips and legs, and can easily let myself go with those, it’s a completely different kettle of fish when it comes to the neck and head. It’s so hard not to break focus and laugh when your head starts to rotate like a character from a horror show. And the weird creaking and clicking sounds from inside the skull don’t help either!
Maybe you should write to me and save me from all this madness (I’m grinning now, so don’t worry – I haven’t quite lost it). I have to admit though, madness or not, I’m totally fascinated by all this. I keep remembering images of yogis levitating, and lying on nail beds, that I saw somewhere as a child. I’m really beginning to think it’s possible, after all these weird experiences. I used to think they were just some kind of strange trick but now, after all this strangeness, I’m starting to believe that the body and mind are capable of things beyond our understanding. I just wish I had someone to talk to about it.
‘Hoping you’re well and looking forward to catching up really soon, Mark.
Much, much, love,
(The Blog Novel of the Letters unfolds here weekly during the autumn and winter. If you’d like to be alerted as they are published, please just ‘follow’ my blog)