somewhere deep inside we always have a sense
of where we’re headed…
5th April 2002
No, Mark, No!! After all we’ve shared – all we’ve been through to get us this far – how can you just turn around and say you’ve met someone else? How can you fall at the last hurdle when we’re so close to finding a way to be together? How can you pull back and deny what’s between us?
It was you who came looking for me, remember? Not the other way round. It was me who was skeptical, not open to the fact that fate might have brought us together, that we might be soul mates destined to find each-other again. You had no difficulty believing you still loved me after all those years. Yet you’re walking away now?
How can you say you’ve found someone else to build a life with? I just don’t understand. I don’t understand how you can suddenly turn around and say that we can’t continue with the depth of connection we’ve shared, as if the heart can be switched on and off like a light.
Please help me to understand! I’m dying here, reading and re-reading the short email you’ve sent, desperately trying to read between the lines to see if I can understand why you’ve changed so quickly. I’m lost, I’m hurt and it feels as if you’ve stuck a knife in my gut. The pain is so incredibly physical I can barely straighten up enough to write this, and it seems like I’ve been crying for hours. It’s three in the morning now and there’s no way I’m going to be able to sleep. I’ve no idea how I’m going to get ready and just go to work in a few hours time, acting as if everything’s normal when my life has just fallen apart.
Mark, why? Really, WHY? I just don’t get it and I really need to. Is it loneliness? If so, you don’t need to push me away. I understand if you need company but you don’t have to reject me in the process. I might be a bit jealous, but surely seeking the comfort of another woman is hardly a reason to decide you can’t love me anymore?
Or are you scared? Does it feel like you’ve bitten off more than you can chew with this connection and now you just want normality again – a ‘normal’ affair with someone who doesn’t challenge you so deeply or pull on your heart so much? I understand that too. I’ve felt like that at times – days when I’ve wanted to pretend none of this had every happened, when I’ve wanted to hide my head under the quilt to block out its reality. And, believe me, I’ve tried. But it hasn’t worked and that’s why I’m still here, talking to you while it feels like my guts are being wrenched out. If that’s what you’re feeling, please don’t pull away and hide. Please just tell me and we’ll find a way of working through that fear together. I promise.
Just talk to me. Please just talk to me. I’ve had nothing much from you in months and I’ve held faith, believing that if there was anything important I needed to know that you would find a way to tell me. But I really didn’t expect a four line email like this, badly written, with no real explanation for what’s been going on. I’m hurting so badly, Mark, and I really need to understand.
And I’m afraid, too. Afraid that a shadow that’s been lurking in the back of my mind, which I’ve tried to ignore, may have turned out to be true. Part of me, from the beginning of all this, wondered whether you – and I – were just suffering from an unresolved teenage hangover. Part of me had held back on making any kind of total commitment to you until I had a chance to spend some time with you. That’s why visiting you a few months ago was so important for me. I had to find out if I would still feel that strong connection with you once we were together. And I did. You know that. I’ve already said it to you.
But maybe it wasn’t the same for you. Did sleeping with me break the spell for you? Was it the fulfillment of a teenage dream finally setting you free to move on with your life after all these years? Surely you would have told me as much at the time, or soon after? Surely I would have sensed when I was with you if you didn’t feel the same anymore? I can still remember the pain in your eyes as I left you – and I’m finding it impossible to believe that you just don’t care anymore.
Please, please, write me, Mark. Even if what you have to say isn’t going to be easy to say, I’d rather know and understand. Please? I’m begging you.
And I love you. Whether that still matters to you now or not, it’s true. Despite this email from you. Despite all I’m feeling tonight. I love you.
(The Blog Novel of the Letters unfolds here weekly during the autumn and winter. If you’d like to be alerted as they are published, please just ‘follow’ my blog)