Tossing on the waves of someone else’s decision…
29th April 2002
Well, it’s been a week now since my world fell apart – since you told me so bluntly that you’ve found someone else to build a future with. I’ve written so many letters – sometimes several a day – all saying versions of the same thing and many of which have ended up in the bin. I have to accept that you’ve made your mind up and that I can’t dissuade you. I don’t have a phone number for you, nor do I know where you live so there’s no way I can arrive on your doorstep to talk it through, even if I wanted to. I feel completely helpless, tossing on the waves that are the result of someone else’s decision.
But to prevent myself from going totally mad, I’m going to keep writing to you, even if I just keep all the letters in a box. I’m going to write as if you still care and are still listening. I’m going to write to you as if there are two of you – one who has turned his back on us, and the other who is still my friend and there to listen to my heartache. Because you’ve managed to do it again – you’ve broken my heart for the second time – and I badly need a close friend who understands me. And who has understood me better than you? I need to believe you still care, even in some small way. I need to think, for a while at least, that you are there for me still while I try to pick myself up off the ground and work through all my confused emotions.
That night when your brief email arrived, I swore to myself that it would be the last time you’d break my heart. I promised myself that I wouldn’t let you hold onto a corner of it as you had done in the past, only to create havoc in my life at some future date when it might suit you to come looking for me again. I can’t do that to myself all over again.
I thought we were soul mates and still do. I haven’t been able to find any other explanation for the strength of the connection we’ve carried with us all those years. Now that you’ve found someone else, though, what does that mean? Does it mean my one chance at real happiness in a relationship has decided he’s not brave enough to go through with it? Are you robbing me of my chance at happiness too, holding it to ransom for some future date when you might decide you want to check it out again – like you did this time? I can’t let you do that.
I know that pushing my love for you back into the shadows is not an option. The last time I did that it led to all this! It blew up in my face as soon as you re-appeared in my life. I have to find some way of allowing myself to continue loving you, as long as I need to, regardless of the pain it’s causing me to know you no longer want me as your lover. But how am I to deal with the pain without suppressing the love? How do you continue to love someone who has no interest in loving you back without the ongoing agony of loss?
The days since you wrote to me have been so hard. I’ve barely been sleeping or eating. I’ve been dreading going to sleep because of how awful the first few moments of reawakening are, and, when I finally do get to sleep, I end up waking at five in the morning with insomnia. The first forty-eight hours were the worst. I sat out on my little third floor balcony and begged for some kind of help. Any kind of help that would save me from having to live through this again in the future. And that night, from somewhere deep inside, came the memory of seeing a small internet ad for a healer. I even remembered his name for some reason – Cian – although I’ve never really known anything about energy healing. In the depth of inner and outer darkness, his name seemed like a beacon of comfort. I felt a profound sense of relief at the thought that someone might be able to help me find a way of remaining open to love while not dying from the excruciating pain. I think it was well before normal work hours that I rang and left a message on his answer phone. And now I’m hanging onto this fragile thread of hope which is tomorrow’s session with him , praying for a miracle that will lift this agony and let me get back to some kind of normality.
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