Week 13 ~ Letters to a Lost Lover ~ An Open Book


“We’re all open books after all”

Hi there,

Well, it seems strange to be writing to you again.  I know it’s only been a few short weeks but the world is changing so much for me here that it’s hard to keep up with it. I’m sure you’re probably just chugging along, same as usual, doing whatever it is you’re doing now.  But it feels as if I’m zooming along at some quantum speed, watching the space extending ever-more widely between where I am now and where you are.  I’m being asked to let go of your hand and yet I keep trying to drag you along with me, unwilling as you are to come.  So strange.

But none of this will mean anything to you without some kind of explanation.  That’s if my explanations make any sense, as I’m trying to describe experiences that are really beyond words.  Maybe if I keep bringing you along one of these days you’ll catch up again and we can be… what?  Happy ever after?  Do I still really believe after all these months that this is some kind of loyalty test and that you’ll re-appear for a romantic ending?  I’m not sure anymore what I believe.  Yet that momentum I talked about before is carrying me forward towards wherever it is that it’s headed and so, for lack of anything better to do, I’m going with it.

I’ve done two weekend workshops on energy with Cian now, both of which left me deeply altered.  I don’t know if I’ve said this already, but it feels as if I’ve stepped into some kind of new land – ‘boldly going where no man has gone before’, to quote Star Trek.  Only I’m finding there are a load of people here ahead of me.  All my unusual experiences with meditation and experiments with the pendulum make sense in this new land.  No one is that surprised when I mention them, although most others have been taught to do them rather than stumbled across them as I have done.  That’s always been my way, though – learning to do things by myself rather than from a teacher.  I even taught myself to knit when I was small (ha ha – which explains why I hold the wool in my left hand!).  There you go – you learn something new about me every time!

This ‘new land’ is full of people who say things like ‘it was meant to be’ and ‘it’s a sign’.  The cynical part of me finds it smacks a bit too much of fatalism.  I still believe we choose our own destiny (yes, I’m stubbornly clinging to that one).  At the same time, since my experiences are becoming increasingly difficult to explain from the perspective I used to hold, I’ve no choice but to be open to other ways of viewing the world.

The two workshops were small, and fairly simple.  In the first one we practised feeling energy. Sensing might be a better way of describing it, because we all feel it in different ways.  Energy used to be such an abstract concept for me yet it’s now quite tangible.  It’s amazing to feel the ebb and flow of energy through the body – up and down the femur, or round the sacrum.  And I’ve become totally fascinated with the way you can feel the skull bones ‘breathing’!  You should try it, see if you can pick up the subtle current too.  Just get someone to sit quietly in a chair and, with the lightest touch, place your hands on the sides of their head with your fingers meeting at the centre, and stay really focussed on the contact between your palms and their head.  After a while, you should start to feel a very slight expansion and contraction.  And you can do the same with any part of the body.  You can even do it from a distance without touching the body, if your intention and sensitivity are focussed enough.

The beautiful thing is, though, that if you remain present with whatever part of the body you’re tuning in to for long enough and with full attention, the flow may start to shift and change as the body uses the opportunity to release any energy it has been holding unnecessarily.  It’s the simplest form of healing and so easy to do, if you can quiet your mind and stay present.  It’s as if the fact of being fully attentive is all the body needs in order to heal itself.  A bit like the discovery of quantum physics that the act of observing something changes the outcome.  I guess we’re not simply observing, are we?  In paying attention to anything, we’re creating an energetic link with it so maybe it’s not surprising that it creates a change.

I really loved having someone place their hand on my sacrum.  At first it felt as if the energy was all caught up, trying to flow in a circular pattern but getting stuck in places and even stopping.  Gradually, as it began to flow more smoothly, I could feel a relaxation spreading through my hips and down my legs, and also a sense of emotion rising up inside like a wave of sadness washing through me.

The other thing we practised, which I really liked, was mapping someone else’s body on to our own so that we could get a sense of what was going on with them.  It reminded me of some of the meditations I’ve experienced where it felt like I was feeling what you were feeling.  Maybe I was, after all.  When you map someone else like this, you first tune into your own body so you have a good sense of how you’re feeling yourself.  Then you make sure you’re grounded – earthed, like an electric appliance.  The easiest way to do this is to sink your awareness right down into your body – and out of your head – and then imagine you’re reaching down through your legs several feet into the ground below.  After you try it a few times, you’ll know when you’re grounded and when you’re not. I think most of us go through life pretty ungrounded most of the time – caught up in the head and out of touch with what’s happening in our bodies or in those around us.

Once you’re grounded and clued into how you’re feeling, you set the intention that you want to map another’s body onto yours (with their permission!).  And then you wait patiently until you start to notice new sensations in your body that would suggest how the other person is feeling.  When we did it in the workshop, we were able to double-check what we were feeling with the other person.  I never thought I’d be able to do it, but once you let go of the doubts that fog up your clarity, it’s surprisingly easy. We’re all open books after all – we’ve just forgotten how to read! It makes a nonsense of trying to keep secrets, really.

I don’t know whether all this is making you curious or whether you’ve decided that I’m a basket-case after all 🙂  It has made life much more interesting, that’s for sure.  But it has also made it more difficult to get on with the normal things. With this whole, unseen, world opening up, the ground has become a lot less stable than it used to feel.  The only thing that seems not to have changed is work – and it’s probably the one area where I’d most like to have seen change!  Trying to put aside all this magic that’s unfolding in order to get on with the mundane day job is increasingly becoming a challenge, though I’m also grateful for its regularity.

Mark, I can’t help thinking how much you’d love all this.  I remember you once saying that I’d opened a door for you into worlds that you hadn’t been aware of.  Well, I’d love to have you by my side as I explore this new territory – for us to venture into it together, hand-in-hand like two innocents abroad.  I guess it’s mine to explore alone for the moment, though. I just hope I don’t get so far ahead that you can’t catch up if you do change your mind.

With much love, and magic!



(The Blog Novel of the Letters unfolds here regularly.  If you’d like to be alerted as they are published, please just ‘follow’ my blog)

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