“It was the maddest thing ever, that very physical feeling of being squeezed down the birth canal”
I’m sitting here this morning in the summer sunshine, feeling a huge sense of warmth and love flowing through me. It’s as if the energetic call that was sent out over a month ago has been answered on some level, and the flow of energy is now reaching me from connections I have yet to meet. I feel held again.
The weeks since my first Shamanic course have been intense. I’ve been holding regular fire ceremonies to connect with the archetypal energies that we were introduced to on the course – serpent, jaguar, hummingbird and eagle. I know some of my new friends have been holding communal fires together but they’re all in the UK and I’m not, so all of my fires have been solitary ones. Well, solitary only in the sense that I’ve had no human company. And maybe that’s a gift in itself. I find I’m getting increasingly sensitive to the presence of other energies – especially at times of heightened awareness and focus, like when I’m holding a ceremonial fire.
The first fire I did was to connect more closely with serpent energy – something I had a difficulty with during the first week of the course. It makes sense, I guess. I’ve always been more comfortable taking a higher perspective on life rather than getting stuck down in the literal and physical level. As I sat by the fire, I went on a journey during which I was brought through a tunnel into a brightly lit cavern that was filled with ‘standing’ serpents. I was greeted by the serpent king who was quite annoyed at my inability to connect with his energy – he saw it as an unwillingness rather than an inability. He told me in no uncertain terms that some of my old skin might need to be yanked off and that my new one might feel a little raw for a while until its beauty established itself. I didn’t think there was much of my old skin left to yank off! Time will tell, I guess (I’m crossing my fingers now, and hoping there won’t be much more yanking involved – I’ve had enough already!).
The fire to connect with jaguar was particularly strong. Jaguar is the fearless warrior, the one who helps us move beyond our fears and particularly our fear of death (the fear underlying all fears, I suppose you could say). I could feel you close to me right from the beginning of the fire, telling me not to be sad, that I was destined for another and that we have to heal this wound so that we can both move on. It hurt to hear the message, but I sat with it, eventually going into a deep meditative space during which I had something akin to a past life flashback involving you as my child. Whatever I had been up to in that past life, I was about to be taken away and burnt at the stake. Hah! Now, how common a theme is that among shamanic students, I wonder? Anyway, they were going to burn you with me as my offspring. I know I’m making light of this, but really the whole thing was quite horrific and left me shaken afterwards. I had to kill you myself before they came to get me so that I could be sure your death was as quick and painless as possible and that you were gone before me. I was so upset by the whole experience, wondering how I could ever make it up to you. But I was told there was no need – that you understood and forgave. And as I sat by the dying fire afterwards, I could feel an immense relief sweeping through me as if some long-imprinted energy was finally going. Was it some portrayal of the guilt I’ve been feeling for upsetting your life? Do I feel responsible for whatever has happened to you – or did we really have a past life in which I killed you and have been trying to make it up ever since? I’m not sure how much I believe all the ‘past life’ stuff, even at this stage. I still prefer to look at the themes and patterns that are coming up rather than assuming what I’m seeing in a vision literally took place.
And then, to cap it all, I went back to my shamanic healer to follow up on a promise I’d made myself to address my feelings of deep loneliness. The session with her was every bit as strange as all the others I’ve been having. I ended up travelling back in time and re-experiencing birth. It was the maddest thing ever, that very physical feeling of being squeezed down the birth canal, followed by the shaking and trembling of being born. Initially, there was a sense of incredible brightness and peace, but that was soon shattered by a sense that I was in the wrong place. A whole heap of emotions came flooding up around being born in the wrong place, of not being where I was supposed to be. And, eventually, coming forward in an alternative time to a place which felt very much like home – sitting outside by a small fire, part of a community where there was so much love, unity and respect. My shaman suggested I not focus on the details of the ‘story’ too much, but that I breathe into my heart the positive feelings which were emerging from finding myself in a place I could call home. As I did, I was filled with such incredible love that it flowed down my limbs and radiated from every part of me. It just felt as if I’ve always had this capacity to love strongly but that most people aren’t open to it. So many people find it hard to accept love, expecting there to be a hidden clause or condition attached. I’ve met so few people with the capacity to love and be loved unconditionally. It’s so sad. I remember you saying to me that I had an ability to love strongly and I didn’t quite understand it then. I get it now. I had it as a child too, but gradually hid it away over time as it often seemed to be misconstrued. Re-connecting with it is so beautiful, though a little scary.
In the last week, it has finally felt as if all of this has started to settle a little and I’m finding a more even keel. It can be quite difficult to carry on a relatively normal life with this depth of internal upheaval, so I’m grateful for the sense of returning calm. The focus is starting to shift from healing and transforming back to the journey of life itself. I’m sensing our mutual support for each-other, as if we’re standing hand in hand, the closest of supportive souls but without the entanglement of a physical connection. It’s a comforting feeling. I’m also noticing that the ‘reality’ of you, if you understand what I mean, is drifting further away – trailing off behind me somewhere as my own momentum picks up speed. I have cleared out all the mementos I had of our brief time together and it felt like it was the right time to let them go – a little sad but nothing more than that. Music that used to wrench my heart out reminding me of you no longer has any potency either. Where there used to be agonizing pain, there is now only a sweet, dull, sorrow.
I’m finally accepting that wherever I’m headed, you won’t be there with me on a physical level. And that’s okay, although I would still dearly love to know what happened to you – just for the sake of closure. But satisfactory closure is something I may never get and I’m not holding myself back in the hope of it.
Take care, honey, until we speak again.
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